Bi appointment only


Bisexuals: who, what and where are they? Are they just lesbians not brave enough to fully come out of the closet? Are they really not as trustworthy as monosexuals? Are they highly sexed? Are they just flaky chicks riddled with indecision? Greedy bitches? Straight girls just trying to have fun? Or are they just not that fussy?

….if what? If I’d watched more Muffy (er I mean Buffy)?

Whether you buy into the bi-bollox or not, its fair to say that it’s a difficult terrain to navigate. The dilemma’s facing bisexuals are not exclusive to whether they date a guy or a girl, they extend way beyond the bedroom and well into outside world too. After all when is a bisexual woman considered one? When in a relationship with a man? No, silly, she’s just a straight girl then. Ok so what about when she’s in a relationship with a woman? No, she’s just a lesbian who hasn’t fully committed to the idea yet. Oh ok so is a bisexual only a bisexual when she’s in a three way relationship with both a guy and a girl? Err I don’t know, why are you asking me? I don’t know shit from cheese most days.

It’s no wonder most bisexuals choose to keep their sexuality under wraps, with the lesbian community only barely beginning to believe that they exists and the straight sisterhood only just starting to trust them with their boyfriends, you can’t blame us for not wanting to spill the beans as well as flick them (that one was for you Alicia).

For most bisexual women, mentioning it never seems applicable and you end up feeling like you’re masquerading as one thing or another rather than being completely true to yourself. If you’re in a relationship with a guy, telling him runs the risk of giving him a hard-on so big only a threesome will satisfy it (or at least he’ll be whining for one till the cows come home) and if you’re in relationship with a girl then you run the risk of her friends being mistrustful of you. What’s a bi-girl to do?

Image result for please can we have a threesome

It’s a bloody good thing that there is now a bisexual awareness day, which so happens to be today (oooh how convenient for this blog). Because without it, everyone who makes assumptions about a persons sexuality based exclusively on the gender of the person they are presently shagging, would need a friend like my friend Laura to gently and patiently explain it to them. Even then the people who don’t know them very well won’t know what to make of them. It’s ok for ‘proper’ gays, everyone knows they can’t help it, it’s genetic (or so science is starting to think) but where does that leave bisexuals? If it’s not genetic then are they just choosing to over-complicate their lives? Maybe. Or are they just unsuspecting folk who happen to fall in love with the peanut and not the shell?

In the case of so many bisexual women (me included) it comes as a massive surprise to your friends and your family, especially if you have only ever dated exclusively one sex. Luckily for me, most of my friends and family are beautiful and open-minded people who were much more concerned with why I had suddenly stopped watching Eastenders (or benders, as we commonly called it before I started dating a lesbian who might just get offended by the name-eek!).

It’s not completely unheard of for bisexuals to get accused of all manner of evils from withholding information from your friends to covertly perving over your BFF for years without her knowing. But that’s not the only thing that a bisexual girl might notice upon her arrival into the world of bisexual-dom, no, get comfortable, there’s more: straight women who have never considered that gaining your attention could flatter their ego (after all why would they, you don’t have a dick….or do you?) can suddenly and very unexpectedly start flitting around you like right giddy kippers just to see if they can get a ‘rise’ out of you (good luck with that one: most little lady love buttons just aren’t that big). Some people (through their confusion and lack of willingness to accept shades of grey that don’t involve desirable, filthy rich, kinky control freaks called Christian) will insist you’ve either lost your mind or are just trying to get attention.

 You’ll have to learn not to let these things piss you off because it’s indisputably preferable when compared to the women who will suddenly start eyeing you up suspiciously in the ladies’ room at your work, as though perhaps you really ought to be using the men’s room instead.  No-one ever told me that rest rooms (or pissers, as I usually call them) are separated not by gender but instead by sexual orientation…and if that’s true then where the fuck are all the bisexuals supposed to piss? That’s the bigger question here as I’m sure you’ll all agree. Bisexual awareness day is not just about raising awareness that some people are secretly and worryingly bisexual but that if you don’t do something soon we’ll all be waddling around bow-legged, hands to our private parts begging to use your carsie!

Bisexuals: they’re allowed to need the toilet too you know! Or, as the slogan says ‘some people are bisexual: keep them the fuck away from your boyfriends) errrr or something like that?



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